Stay The Hell Away From Japan

"Japan Firm Apologizes After Toilets Smoke, Catch Fire"

Not that I'm alarmed. Thank christ I built that panic room out by the garage, and designed it to withstand the blast from a Wayward Exploding Japanese Heated Toilet. I'm blogging by flashlight from there right now.

I'm guessing CNN is chaotic with images of panicked mobs surging through the streets of Tokyo, pants ablaze. We should be safer here in Milwaukee. Still, this is not my favorite news story of the day. That honor goes to the Portland newspaper with an account of a midget induced medieval siege weapon tragedy peripherally involving surplus pumpkins.

Again, I make nothing up. Check out The Oregonian, October 30, 2006. "A weekend accident involving a medieval weapon of war redesigned to toss pumpkins..." That's how the article begins. Let's summarize. A family of midgets owns and operates a pumpkin farm. The family also, inexplicably, owns a medieval siege weapon known as a "trebuchet". The trebuchet is twenty-five feet tall. It uses a two thousand pound concrete counterweight to hurl surplus pumpkins far over the horizon. The family is also reported to have 200,000 pounds of pumpkins laying around.

At this point a horrible trebuchet accident occurs. A midget, or possibly midgets, or possibly the entire family, are launched. Must confess I didn't finish the article. With a buildup like that...midgets, siege weapons, deadly flying surplus pumpkins...I had already bolted to the panic room that I presciently built next to the garage, and was breathing rapidly into a paper sack, scanning the skies for incoming pumpkins or midgets. Remember me in your prayers.