Coffee. Money. Lust. Guns.

First of all, my coffee maker is a bit tricky. You don’t want to unplug it. Ever. Plugging it back in dims street lights and sets off car alarms. Also, that would reset the timer, which is currently on “random”. It basically brews 8 gallons of coffee at a deliberately unpredictable moment sometime during the day or night or possibly next week. You can tell it’s happening because the house shakes and thick smoke fills the kitchen, and it smells like a bonfire of lost Czechoslovakian luggage. Also, the coffee maker simply vanishes sometimes, which is unsettling.

Drinking the coffee is also unwise. You tend to wake up in another part of the house with no memory of getting there, and something written on your forehead in black sharpie like “COP KILLER”.