Alarming new purchase from Panda Fireworks: the sinister and bewildering “Birthday Cake”. Maybe children’s birthday parties weren’t traumatizing enough. The house invaded by kids whacked out on sugar treats, a bloodcurdling rental clown or two, blindfolded kids swinging pinata bats. Now Panda Fireworks ups the ante with a birthday cake that explodes.

Explodes spectacularly. Like a car bomb. I was thinking there’d be a cute sparkler effect. No. Sorry. Basically there’s a quarter-stick of dynamite lodged in the center of the “cake”. You can see it poking up in the picture. That thing with the fuse attached. You light the fuse, maybe read the CAUTION warning directly below it, and then the Fires of Hell scorch upwards. Makes for a memorable birthday party. Kids staggering around like shell-shocked Vietnam War veterans at the tender age of 8.

Moving past the issue of What Kind Of Freak Designs A Pink Cake That Goes Off Like A Terrorist Weapon, let’s just check out the graphic design on this menace. On the front, two pictures of girls riding broomsticks. Umm. I’m guessing that was the result of a translation error. Somewhere in China, at the headquarters of Panda, Inc., a middle manager is screaming “I said happy birthday WISHES! Happy birthday WISHES!”. Below that, an official seal that says ‘registered Safe and Sane’. Again, umm. As opposed to what? The other fireworks are rated ‘Unsafe and Sane’? Can I get a box of ‘Safe yet Demented’ fireworks? How about ‘Perilous and Dodgy’?